I am remarkable

I just completed this workshop with @Ethical_Leader . It was very powerful. It made me reflect on a number of things. One key thing is that we don’t tend do promote ourselves. It made me realise there is lots that I do, however, I’ve not captured it.

If I don’t know what I have done, how am I expected anyone else to know?

If I can’t articulate my evidence and impact (some may be quantitative, others qualitative), how will anyone else

The concept is so simple yet how many of us do a really good job day in day out, supporting colleagues, students, parents and do much else and hope that someone will notice this when applying for a promotion.

People are far too busy creating the next moment, the next project to notice anything unless it is brought to their attention.

When Hannah asked to reflect on things that make us remarkable, starting with the words “I am remarkable because…” believe it or not, it poured out of me. Yet, the statements were not related to my work, my certificates, my courses or anything like that.

They were related to how I have overcome a traumatic, challenging life. How I trained as an Advanced Energy Field healer with @suezange, I have transformed and healed myself. I have gone from having a closed wounded heart 18 years ago to having an open heart and from being unable to sit still for 2 minutes without crying, to being able to meditate regularly and for 40 mins even up, to an hour if needed.

I use the energy skills toolbox of regular meditation, Qi gong style breathing and visualisation techniques to ensure my personal space is kept clear, to ensure my vibration is high, which is healing and transformative wherever I go.

I am remarkable because I work at that every single day. That is something you can’t quantify or put a price on… yet the results and impact are visible.

What makes you remarkable?

@amyjeetley

Photo by Jonas Kakaroto from Pexels

A new car, or new lease of life?

Metaphorically speaking, your car represents how you move through life. My cars have always accumulated “junk,” useless things and general rubbish so to speak. I’ve always made excuses of not having time to clean them or sort them.

At the beginning of March, after being parked on the drive, stationary for a while, my car got “stuck” and broke down. Rescue and recovery took it, parked it at their compound overnight in order to transport it to my selected garage in the morning.

It didn’t make it. Because in this “secure” compound one of their own trucks “tail” smashed through the wing of my car. Ripped the side and I’m sure there was damage underneath…few days before we were to return to school.

I took the call when I visited school in lockdown, shocked not only at what happened, also how I was going to get a new car and on some level what was this representing? What signs was the Universe giving me?

I was offered either the market value of the car, or they would repair it. I sort of knew I wasn’t having it back, not after the state it was in. However, until I knew how I was going to get a new car, or what I was going to buy I really couldn’t get my act together. I was given a courtesy car in the meantime.

Having grown up in a narcissistic, mysoginistic , egotistical, controlling environment, I was conditioned and exposed to certain beliefs. Cars must be family cars, large, at least 1.8 litres and only certain cars are “good” and even though I am much older now, certain family members would still dictate what car they thought was good for me. Furthermore, because they would have “recommended” the car, or would come and “check” it out and tell me if it was okay to buy, there was a certain sense they had a “right” over it, and they would service it themselves and they “knew” what was best for me. I was moving through life carrying this baggage.

Energy speaks. So what goes on in our lives, the Universe gives us signals in the physical manifest world. The people at the compound, when they had pulled my car apart to fix it, showed me the car had been involved in a previous accident! Which I was not aware of. The impact bar was damaged and the bottom of the radiator had been smashed up through impact by a great force. I brought it like this. So I had been driving around in a previously damaged and smashed up car …”hidden wounds?!” Unbeknown to me!

Looking at the subtle signs, using my intuition it was time to “undo” all this excess baggage and beliefs I had been absorbing and carrying.

It was time to become empowered, to make my own decisions. I took five days over Easter, driving around and looking at lots of different cars (I asked my cousin some technical questions, which was useful and informative, rather than imposing). I test drove as many cars as I could.

The only way I could “undo” the beliefs, the patterning and conditioning, was to create my own experiences, new ones.

I ended up buying a good quality car, from a main dealer, full service history and features that I wanted, without anyone else involved in the decision making process. In the future, they will service it, I’ll keep receipts and evidence of all work done on it. No more feeding other peoples egos. I will do this my way.

I felt empowered.

No-one was “disempowering” me, manipulating my decision or knocking my self confidence. I felt free of previous conditioning and beliefs that didn’t belong to me.

I now finally move though life with “comfort, style and luxury.”

What is the Universe drawing your attention to?

What new experiences do you need to create, to “undo” previous ones that don’t serve you?

Thank you for taking the time to read this post and I’d love to hear your comments or stories if you relate to this.

Wishing you all the best on your journey,

Amy Jeetley (@amyjeetley)

Holding the light

Today, 4th February 2021, the relentless journey is coming to an end and signifying the start of a new life. Not for me. For my brother. The relentless support, where my faith was tested at every turn. Yet I kept hope, faith and light in my heart. It was always there. Days when I was on my knees and thought I couldn’t cope. There was the voice inside my heart that said …”yes you can.” My heart continued to pour love, light and faith where my head would just pound, and frazzle and disorder, and my heart would whisper “shall we bring this to order?”

It brings tears of relief, of joy, of release. It brings the knowing that peace will now reveal itself.

Being a beacon of light for a dear loved one, holding the faith, and hope for those who are going through inner turmoil and feel like giving up is never easy.

My dear Mother taught me to do what’s right, to follow the path of truth and doing this is never easy but it’s definitely worth it.

Mum, I held the faith, the light, the hope and the strength you taught me. I hope I have made you proud.

With love

Amy Jeetley.

Faith moves mountains and clears paths.

A few degrees is all it takes

I joined a coaching course with Mal Krishnasamy (@malcpd) on Saturday mornings, just to touch up and refresh my coaching skills. I’ve met some wonderful people and am loving the coaching conversations.

Today was just time for us. No coaching for a work issue, just us. So I decided to tackle a subject close to my heart, and that will resonate with many reading this.

Close friends and loved ones have always said I’m a giver. I will continue to give of myself physically, mentally and emotionally. I love it. I enjoy helping people and if I can bring joy, and light to people’s lives, it brings joy to mine. I love sharing food, knowledge, laughter and taking care of people, hence I end up taking a lot on at work.

What I would like to do is give to myself at times. Fully and whole heartedly. However, that puts me in an uncomfortable zone. The narrative in my head is “how am I helping anyone by giving to myself?” And yes, my mind knows how it helps… and putting your own oxygen mask on first etc. Don’t get me wrong, I do my gi gong style breathing exercises, meditation, visualisations and attend spiritual growth and development courses etc. I’m talking more on the physical level, like taking time out to read, exercise (getting there on that one), watching movies, writing etc.

During my coaching session today, with @rebeccacoronil practising being my coach, I said this:

“I would like to spend more time reading, writing, watching films, exercising etc. however I feel I need to shift my focus by a few degrees because I know, a few degrees is all it’s going to take for things to fall into place for me….”

After listening to me, and understanding the kind of person I am, my coach in this session, (Rebecca) made me reflect on whether I was trying to change too much in one go. Furthermore, the “observer” noticed use of my language and the repetitive phrases of “should…need to….supposed to….when my phone is switched off it’s a relief.” This was all very telling.

Then came the revelation from my coach… “Amyfie” it! Whatever you do, just “Amyfie” it so you are still using your values and who you are, benefitting others and yourself at the same time! There’s no point in trying to change yourself!

Well, I never expected that! And then I explored things I could “Amyfie” so it wasn’t such a big change. Also slowly building over time doing other things I enjoy, would help me reduce taking on so much at work.

All it required was a few degrees shift in focus.

Examples of things we discussed:

  1. Going for walks which I knew I should (there’s that word again, “should”). I hated the cold, I didn’t want to wrap up. Now I don’t go for a walk, I go out to listen to music. Mindful listening to all kinds of music and just being in the zone. As a result, I end up walking an hour to hour and a half at a time, and just return when my mind feels clearer.
  2. Reading. In order to “Amyfie” reading, I could explore book clubs, or maybe share what I have read and blog a few key ideas so everyone benefits.
  3. Writing. To share my reflections and journey (which those of you who know me, know its been quite a challenge and some stories I will share, others best just left to rest!) and the wisdom I have gained over time. Again, hopefully people will connect or find something useful. So I will still be sharing, but will Amyfie it.
  4. Movies. I do love watching films. I just need to give myself a set time and switch off, rather than having the narrative “I should be doing…”. I could join a film club? Apparently Disney channel has something where you can comment on films seen. Alternatively, re-immerse myself in movies like I used to, and switch my phone off.

In order for me to start feeling I can do the things I would like to do, all it required was a few degrees shift in focus to “Amyfie” everything. Now the impossible seems possible.

What degree shift in focus will you need to help you make your desires a reality or achieve the balance you need to achieve?

Thank you for taking the time to read this post and feel free to send me your thoughts and ideas or DM me @amyjeetley

Giving permission

I hardly need to express how difficult 2020 was, not just on a personal level for us all, also professionally as educators.

On reflection, I feel part of me was trying to live up to my previous high standards and expectations. I was comparing what I did before as a teacher with classroom management, motivating students, inspiring them and offering emotional support to colleagues to what I was experiencing now. All my classes are PP & many have behaviour issues & specific needs. Furthermore with so much to do, capacity was becoming an issue.

Also a critically ill family member requiring constant physical, emotional and mental support just became too much.

Little did I realise it was all taking a toll on me. Comparing what was, to what is now, and thinking I’m not cut out for teaching any more, I began to drive myself into a downward spiral which eventually made me ill.

Just to squeeze out a few minutes here and there to give give give, left my wellbeing well totally empty…and the worst thing was I didn’t check in with myself to see what was happening.

The difference to dealing with crises before is it would usually be me, my situation or my family, may be someone at work, maybe a few students.

Now, it’s global. The pandemic is affecting every aspect of life as we know it for everyone. This energy, and that of the mass subconscious will be affecting us whether we are aware or not. Feeling limited in what we can do doesn’t resonate well with us. At times it’s felt like all we can do is offer a band aid, and at other times the stresses have turned into resentment and anger.

I’m sure this will be resonating with many.

So, moving forwards there are a few things I’ll be implementing and positioning in my mind and my life :-

1. Continue to do my best every day. Students are struggling, as are families and they will play out their emotions in the classroom. There is nothing I can do to control this.

2. Give myself permission to take time to strengthen myself physically, mentally and emotionally which will help me manage situations better, because that’s all I can do… manage them.

3. Give myself permission to know it’s okay not to be okay.

4. Give myself permission to acknowledge at times I can’t be everything to everyone. I have to put myself first and recharge.

5. Give myself permission to walk away from the work, guilt free, and do things that will increase the happy chemicals in my brain.

6. Give myself permission that’s it’s okay to stop and have lunch … yes believe it or not!

7. Give myself permission that it’s okay to say no if I can’t fit something in. Also to give myself permission to know this is okay and not to judge myself.

8. Give myself permission to have respect for myself and what I do.

What will you be giving yourself permission to do this year?

Thank you for taking the time to read these reflections.

May 2021 bring the light of hope to all, especially in education and the NHS 💖

Much love,

Amy Jeetley

Growth…by Amy Jeetley

#DailyWritingChallenge

Image Credit : https://www.goalcast.com/2017/03/01/top-20-most-inspiring-martin-luther-king-jr-quotes/

The quote above sums up growth for me.

As souls we arrive on this Earth to grow, to experience whatever we can to achieve this. Sometimes we fall, get stuck, upset or sail through. However, if we look around there is always help, support and inspiration available. At times this help could be from the least expected sources. Nevertheless it is important to keep growing in some way, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Having grown up in a very difficult household, faced with many challenges, I quickly learned to take any opportunity I could to grow and develop myself. I also knew at a very young age I need to have my own back, as no one else was in a position to have it for me. I don’t recall it being a conscious decision, it just happened.

Maybe that was a way to escape. If I could lose myself in a project, a venture, or a goal it helped me focus on what I could achieve, rather than the adversities.

Whenever I am faced with adversity, I look at how I can grow out of it, as growth to me is very important and often it’s been quite painful. I’d like to share some of my happier and odd moments of growth.

I recall my first introduction to meditation on the Diploma for Energy Field Healing, trained by @suezange. She was teaching us to sit still and centre ourselves at our core. I had never sat still and now I had to sit still surrounded by a room full of people I hardly knew. We were only going to try it for two minutes. It seemed like forever. I started fidgeting and opening my eyes a little bit and peeping. I could only manage just over a minute! 17 years later through a lot of painful growth and practise, I am now trained to teach mediation and visualisation. And I can manage more than two minutes!! I’m grateful to have been able to focus on my spiritual growth.

When I worked at a school where @ottleyoconnor was the Interim Headteacher, I remember taking up every opportunity I could to develop professionally. Budgets were an issue and I remember being offered a whole school role for literacy and T&L as well as departmental roles. I took them all on…in the name of growth. Professionally, it was one of the best things I did. Again, it had its challenges and I was grateful for the opportunity to grow, including the coaching given to me by @ottleyocconor who guided me and helped me grow through some very distressful situations.

Last year unfortunately I had to have major surgery. It was physically, mentally and emotionally traumatising. Leading up to the surgery (which was cancelled three times) I was medically unfit to work as I could barely stand, or walk and was in intense pain. So, I decided to go online and find a course I could do in my own time, that would help me grow and develop, and make use of this time. So I decided to study a Level 3 Diploma in Health Coaching! ( Which I didn’t finish, however they gave me extended time this year to complete). By this time loved ones thought I had lost the plot!

Coming to the current situation. Since being off from work, as I come under the risk category, I have not stopped! Whilst still at work, I was completing NQT documents and reports and then planning lessons.

Sometimes when things need doing and completing, it can come in the way of the flow of our growth. So, my next venture was to clear and organise my house over the Easter holidays and the spare small room I call my office which I am pleased to say is now done. Old school folders, paperwork 10-15 years old has now been binned. There is a better flow of energy through my house and no doubt getting rid of the old will allow new growth….mentally and creatively.

In the next few days, I plan on growing though building my repertoire of films on Netflix and Amazon Prime. Surely that will help me answer some trivia questions……at some point?!

Humour aside, research has shown when we allow ourselves to stop and do things like watching films, gardening (I still need to grow my garden as well as grow in my garden!) our minds wander, and daydream. This creates space for creativity and inspiration to flow and grow.

Growth feeds the soul. We are not designed to become stagnant or stay still. Whether we grow for ourselves, or we grow by helping others. It nurtures the soul.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’d love to hear funny or weird ways you have grown. Please share with me @amyjeetley #growth

I hope you keep growing, keep learning at whatever pace you can manage and however you can manage.

Blessings of light

Amy Jeetley

@amyjeetley

P.S. I love books and audiobooks … where I can learn and grow 🙂 I have many I could recommend so please feel free to DM me.

Joy…by Amy Jeetley

#DailyWritingChallenge

Image: https://boomsumo.com/inspirational-quotes-positive-sayings-life-heal-heart/

Joy is an act of heart. We know this because when we experience joy, the passion, love, excitement and enthusiasm will just flow out of us. It is hard to contain. The opposite of joy is sorrow. These are times when our hearts may be in need of more tender love and care. We may seek these from another, or maybe self care can heal us.

In either case, we should understand our energies will ebb and flow on a day to day basis. At the moment, there may be some extremes to these ebbs and flows. However, it is important that we find things, experience things and connect to things that will make our heart sing , open and flow.

It is through an open heart we feel joy, happiness and healing. Even if you are self isolating and are on your own, please do not underestimate the power of joy. It is uplifting, it is a high vibration, a higher resonance which feeds your soul, your family, your community and global community.

So I ask you to reflect:

1. What makes your heart sing?

2. What makes your heart overflow with love?

3. Share one thing in the current climate that brings you. (#JoyIs)

The heart does not see big or small. It just experiences joy.

Things that bring me immense joy is being grateful for having my own home since September 2019. For spending time in my garden where my flowers are blooming, even if half of them are lopsided because I didn’t plant the bulbs deep enough! I’m finding joy in starting to cook again, so that I nurture and nourish myself. I found joy today when I gave my Aunt a virtual tour of my house. Having overhauled all the food and tins in my kitchen …I find joy in opening my pantry 6 times a day to see how lovely and organised it looks!

The heart does not see big or small. It just feels joy.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Please share what brings you joy.

Wishing you a joyful heart💕

Amy Jeetley

@amyjeetley

Self care…self worth…self esteem by Amy Jeetley

#DailyWritingChallenge

Somehow these are all interlinked. Self esteem is having confidence in one’s own abilities. How about if your confidence has been knocked as it is has been, of late, for many of us? No doubt this will affect your self worth … and what do we have a tendency to do if our self worth is affected? We try and do things that will improve our self worth which involves putting ourselves out there to do things that prove this. We will make sure our friends and family are okay, do the shopping and at times put ourselves at risk. It is human nature. What ultimately suffers is our own self care.

In these challenging times it is so important to now put self care at the top of the priority list. Lives matter. People matter. YOU matter. Regardless of your beliefs, we all have a purpose in life and it is painful to hear that the Gift of Life is being taken prematurely in these times.

The message is clear. You have a lot to offer to your family, your community, your work, and play a collective part in a global community. In particular, educators, teachers, leaders, carers, medical staff find it very hard to practise self care, so ways and means need to be found to ensure this is done.

Bearing this in mind, I would like you to reflect on:

1. Are you giving yourself the compassion, kindness and care you are showing others?

2. If not, why not? What is stopping you?

3. What one thing can you change so you can do this.

“Self care is giving the world the best of you, instead of what’s left of you.” Katie Reed

There are many things that can be done for physical care e.g. exercise, pampering, reading, TV/films. For emotional and mental care, using technology to catch up with friends, families, loved ones. What about inner peace? How do you bring calm to the constant bombardment from media, what’s app, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram? There will be a constant stream of these energies that we will be experiencing day in day out causing an underlying ripple of unrest. So, it is important to find the inner peace, to bring calm to yourself. As part of your self care routine find a few minutes a day, every day of quiet, calm time to sit and experience the stillness and silence. For it is from the silence the answers will come, as will peace. Reconnect to yourself, your inner being and the strength that lies within. It will increase your capacity to be patient, to care, to love and be loved.

Wishing you all inner peace and self care.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please let me know how you get on @amyjeetley

Amy Jeetley

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My work is invisible … am I?

(Image courtesy of picture quotes.com)

Growing up I remember in secondary school I always used to let my work speak for itself. I felt I had to prove my worth through the work I did….which I got on with quietly.

For example, I was good at playing sport and I recall when we used to be picked for teams…I’d be one of the last to be picked, yet as one student pointed out to me “I notice that every team you play on wins.” When I used to play hockey, I was a good left back (the irony of that position you will see), defence, yet the accolade always went to the centre forward, who made a lot of noise but didn’t make use of the wings as well as she could have. Instead, kept the ball to herself rather than using the skill set of the whole team.

During my career in sales, I was good at mentoring and training people, and when potential recruits were called in, the regional manager used to get them to sit with me so I could suss them out & if I thought they could hack the job. I was just a sales person then with no additional title who went round supporting and trying to help people through the passion I had and goodness of my heart. I had proven myself by winning regional and national awards for top sales results. So it stood to reason for me to apply for an official job as a trainer. I didn’t get it. I was pipped at the post by a person who had left the organisation due to going through a disciplinary for poor performance and lack of sales. She was now considered to be able to train people in achieving top sales. By the way, did I mention she was the “best friend” out of work of the manager who interviewed her? My regional manager was shocked as she was rooting for me to get the job as she knew my skill set. She was a talent spotter. As it so happened my manager was absent for a short while, and I was put in charge of the sales team. Not only did I quietly manage them, I motivated them, trained them, helped them meet targets for products they couldn’t sell as well as meeting my own target. My regional manager was really pleased and said I did a better job than the actual manager getting paid for it. When she returned, she took me off the team leader role, mistook my focus for stress, and made another member of the team a team leader. To which there wasn’t a very good response from the team. I didn’t mention did I that this “new team leader” I found out used to go out with the manager for drinks. At a later date when things shuffled I still managed to lead a team successfully as the team manager was absent and I was the most experienced member of the team.

Therefore maybe a career change in teaching, which I’d always wanted to do would change this situation. I would definitely be visible as I was bringing a lot of experience in with training, peoples skills, management, yet wow, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Five schools in nine years … I have many stories to tell. I left my school once I’d gained my NQT as I was being spoken to by my manager in a condescending manner. I came from an adult world, I didn’t need to be spoken to like a child…and so I landed a job in another school as Deputy in Science. The Chair of Governors had meetings with the HoD and then asked to meet with me. He very quickly spotted my potential and talent, and said in my meetings with him I covered in one session, the equivalent of 4 sessions worth of work and ideas that Heads of Dept cover. He told the Head to raise my TLR within a month of me starting. On his recommendation I was asked to join the Aspiring Leaders sessions at school.

I proved myself, and that I could train and mentor staff, taking a failing dept in one school and improving the T&L to “good.” Staff were comfortable in asking me to come to their lessons off their own back, in my non contact time, to see if I could help and advise. I was on the extended T&L team. The MAT people came to do observations, I was paired up with them and they gave excellent feedback on my work and my ability to feedback, as did many of the staff, including several nominations for “star of the week.” Despite having proved myself, the school employed an external lead practitioner to work in science and completely took over and rail roaded the work I was doing. I was being questioned by staff as to why I wasn’t doing the role anymore. I had no answers. We were told how to teach, what to teach, things were not good enough. Interestingly when this LP was forced to teach due to staff shortage, she had 2 members of supply staff in with her, and still couldn’t manage the students in our tough school. Going against everything she told us to do, she got the students copying off the board, I had feedback and reports from the staff and the students.

The school advertised for a coach for the science dept. Should I be applying for this role? As I was already doing it. No, I was told, there were bigger things coming to me. An external candidate got the role who had been out of teaching for 2 years, worked at a university, and did some research. She was employed because the interviewers liked the names of the researchers she read and thought she was brilliant. On paper she was. She struggled with every class. She did observations and staff would come to me and completely break down about the feedback. She sought help on what to say about some observations to staff as she didn’t have a clue on what she was looking for. So it was second hand feedback, not even hers. Needless to say, she left the school and I too left the school after experiencing bullying, with no support from the hierarchy and no sign of value or progression.

I have many stories from the previous schools I’ve worked at with similar themes.

I have always developed and furthered myself through leadership courses, research and reading.

I have a sense of duty, care and moral purpose in all I do. I don’t need to shout about it. Its about unity. It’s about striving to reach a common goal. It’s in my make up. It’s in my DNA. Growing up I looked after my siblings, brought them up, studied hard, supported my Mum through very tough times, was married off (not anymore!). It was my duty as the eldest child to do so. This involved a lot of sacrifices. But I did it. An inner pulse was driving that what I was doing was dutiful. Today, having a member of my family critically ill due to alcoholism, and having had my Mum being poorly for 8 years, certain family members got involved in taking over her affairs and the current family member’s affairs. In this time I did what I could, where I could including holding down an extremely stressful job in teaching, and being a TLR holder. It’s interesting that now the whole world needs to hear about this other member. It’s become a political game. Just like the previous examples. Things get played out. There is a “stepping on toes” to get to the top position, to get the recognition, to get the accolade … at the expense of what? Human behaviour supports those that shout the loudest, or trample on top of others to be seen and make themselves visible. Human behaviour needs to change. People need to see what is truly there, than the single perspective that is being presented. But this requires a degree of intelligence, care, effort and vision. It’s not always about what is clearly visible. It can be the subtle….it can be the unseen.

So, in answer to my original question

my work may be invisible…but I’m not.

Thank you for reading and sharing my journey.

Reflections, comments or thoughts are welcome @amyjeetley

Further open, honest, reflective pieces on my journey are available www.amyjeetleyreflections.com

I’d like to thank @ottleyoconnor who was my Interim head. A talent spotter with integrity, intelligence, effort and vision…who literally told me to apply for a leadership course “Teaching Leaders” now @Ambition_Inst and all the staff I’ve worked with me who, though they were not necessarily in leadership positions, made me and my work visible. Thank you. 🙏🏼

Goodbye 2018…Hello 2019!

Having been faced with a quite a few challenges for the past few years, which culminated in me not achieving the goals I had in mind, 2018 brought a set of challenges that left me with no tools to deal with and a level of vulnerability I had never ever experienced in my entire life (which is full of many traumatic and adverse issues from the past already that I have healed and worked through).
However, through these set of challenges brought a huge realisation of what I still had left to find within me, I thought I had reached my capacity to love, to cope and be calm… what I learned was there is always something greater within us that needs to come out. This tends to happen when hope and faith is tested.
My courageous, kind and beautiful Mother had suffered a stroke in the motor cortex of her brain 8 years ago. Over time she deteriorated to the point where she could not walk, talk, eat or move. She had recurrent lung infections that used to flare up, and other issues. Whenever she would be rushed into the hospital, we took it in turns to stop overnight as her needs were so specific, she was unable to press the buzzer and call for help. We knew her every expression, her feelings and assisted and supported her, often going in the next day to work (2 of us in the family are teachers, me in secondary and my sister in FE). The drill became familiar …. the doctors would say she’s not going to make it and we would all leave work and rush to the hospital … only to find she’d pull through again and again. The doctors agreed she defied all textbooks.
Until early July this year, I was taken into hospital with viral lung issues, and my Mum was struggling so much with super resistant bacterial lung infection, that Dad decided on recommendation of the doctors that she should be allowed to release up, peacefully than just to keep her going with antibiotics. It was her time and she went peacefully. A very bitter sweet feeling.
There was a level of peace we all felt while we were looking at her body. We were still talking to her (well…I was doing most of the talking as that’s what I do well!). Many, many tears too. When the doctor came to check her ….he shone the light in her eyes. I watched. Hoping against hope her pupils would respond. They didn’t. Hoping against hope that her chest would rise once more and she would cough. She didn’t. She was gone. All I knew was we need to look out for each other and console each other knowing Mum was safely in her light.
Even though Mum was so poorly, she still managed to teach us lessons. She made me dig deeper and deeper. Resilience, perseverance, courage, kindness and compassion. When knowing doctors said she wouldn’t pull through, we took it in turns to be brave, to play and joke with her. Courage, compassion and an open heart, even through the heartache. Yet life went on, work went on, when I returned to work, teaching went on.
I, we, all felt vulnerable. I went to work and without the cushioning of my family, I felt exposed. I could not relate to this level of emotional vulnerability, the heartache, the emotions. I had no tools to cope with this and nothing anyone could say would make me feel better. Yet people shared their stories, a problem shared is a problem halved. Staff were kind and supportive.
I learned to sit with these feelings, emotions that came in waves. I cried when I needed to, I spoke to Mum in spirit when I needed to …I embraced it all as it was a part of me that helped me get through it. I learned what I needed to from this experience.
Then came October half term. Routine blood tests and certain niggling issues resulted in fast tracked appointments as they found CA markers that were elevated. People told me not to worry until there was something concrete to work with. Blood tests every week revealed the markers going up in their hundreds. My life was whizzing by my eyes, as were my dreams, goals and ambitions. “Don’t worry” people kept saying. Excruciating pain and definitely need to go for surgery. Consultant sent me for a 1 hour MRI scan just to make sure she “hadn’t missed anything.”
I broke down at the doctors, I cried with the consultant. I spent a few days in a further vulnerable state, emotional state ….again with no tools to deal with this news.
Then I had to dig deep….again.
I looked at what my Mum had been through (she’d had a brain tumour years back that was removed).
I learned to acknowledge and be with my fears, my anxieties, my vulnerability again. Being with them, sitting with them helped me to move through them. I learned to get up, and stand up and know I will get through this.
I still went to work this half term though was told by doctors I need time off to myself and dealing with the pain.
Only a few people were able to help me acknowledge these feelings, those who did were with me. The ones who couldn’t, kept skipping past the fact that I was worried and jumped straight onto “only worry about it when you are told specifically”….so basically, inadvertently my feelings, fears, emotions were not being acknowledged or even listened to.
I’m a trained subtle energy field healer (www.energyfieldhealing.com) and so started doing much self healing, meditation, sitting still. I pulled all the resources I could to get myself stronger emotionally, physically and mentally. Painkillers around the clock got me through every day, as did the support of team members.
The final week of term, the results came back and CA markers had dropped. Again I cried to the secretary on the phone. This time tears of joy and relief. I didn’t know I was holding myself together so much until it released. Yet I still did the best I could for my students and staff (and got a certificate for world class provision in teaching for that term).
The reason for sharing this is that every difficult situation becomes an opportunity to grow, to become, to be greater, yet at the time nothing feels like that. I became very human, with pain, grief, sadness….until I dug deep.
So, what did I learn?
  • We are far more resilient than we ever think we are.
  • To work through something means acknowledging your emotions, fears, anxieties first …or find someone who can help you acknowledge them.
  • Never, ever dismiss how someone or you are feeling. Once you acknowledge how they are feeling you will help yourself and them to move through it. Otherwise it becomes stuck, they become stuck and it becomes a compounded issue.
  • Perseverance grows patience and understanding. Never, ever give up hope and faith.
  • Work on opening your heart, feeling and giving love, for it is an open heart that will feed you and nourish you in times of pain. Yes….your heart can still love and heal even if you are in pain. Give it time and patience.
  • Once you have worked through the issues, you then have it in your make up to deal with them and support others through them if need be.
I learned we have far greater depth to our character than we ever can imagine. I have learned to be at peace with myself, my situation, the difficulties I was faced with and people around me (well…most of the time as I am only human!)
Hello to 2019 that will see me successfully through surgery and then embrace the learning lessons that I have learned and reignite my dreams, goals and passions. I would like to share my thoughts, feelings, journeys and most importantly the lessons I have learned more through blogs …which I wanted to do last year but hopefully you can see it would have been difficult.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope it made a positive connection with you and helped you connect, or reconnect to your true being.
Reflection: What were your gifts and #learninglessons2018 that have helped you grow that you will bring into 2019.
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Wishing you all a peaceful, joyful and successful 2019.
Hugs and blessings